An incident occurred recently (that I won't go in to) that has caused me to think long and hard about the power dynamics of a role-playing gaming group. Being of a philosophic bent, I've decided to write down my mental deliberations and see if others come to the same conclusions as I have. So here goes.

RPG groups are not Democracies^[1]. They may appear to be Democracies on the surface, and they may even strive to act like Democracies in practice, but they are not. They are also not Republics^[2], Anarchisms^[3] nor Totalitarianism^[4]. By their very nature they have some Autocratic^[5] tendencies, so perhaps they are best described as Despotisms^[6] or Dictatorships^[7]. Personally, I believe that the best run RPG groups are run as and described as Enlightened Despotisms^[8] or, even better, Benevolent Dictatorships^[9]. Let me explain.

I'll start with the most common form of RPG group and then expand out to cover the other variants.

The typical RPG group consists of a single Game Master (GM) and a set of half-a-dozen Players (PCs), give or take. Focusing on the GM for the moment: there are relatively few GMs when compared to the total number of RPG enthusiasts - anecdotally I would estimate that only 1 in 10 RPGers is a GM. There are a number of reasons for this, including desire and the incredible amount of work required when compared to the efforts of a PC (or of all the PCs in a group, for that matter). And yet, without these dedicated individuals (the GMs) there would be no RPG gaming taking place.

This gives the GM an incredible amount of (social) power, more so than the rest of the group combined. Now, that power is normally wielded for the benefit of the group as whole, so that everyone has a fun and enjoyable game, and is also often wielded subtly and with the veneer of consensus (hence groups appearing to be Democracies) but in actuality the GM is an Autocrat, a Despot, and a Dictator. Hopefully, and especially if there is a veneer of consensus, the GM acts as an Enlightend Despot or a Benevolent Dictator - but make no mistake, a Dictator they are!

Let us look at what happens when there is conflict within the group. If a PC falls out with the group or the GM then the PC is free to leave and to try to find another game. We all know how difficult it is to find a game, especially a game run by a good GM. On the other hand, the idea of the GM leaving the group is nonsensical, because the other PCs will want to continue to game with the GM and so "follow" him, thus the group is not broken up at all and we are back to the case where it is the PC who leaves the group.

Let us suppose, however, that the group does break up. The GM still retains the power in this situation as it is relatively easier for the GM to start a new game with new (or even some of the old) PCs, while the PCs from the broken-up group need to find other GMs to game with or re-submit themselves to the authority/power of their original GM, or give up playing RPGs all together.

A further example of the power that a GM holds is in what RPG the group actually plays. While some groups may vote on the RPG system that they want to play, the final decision is not up to the group, but up to the GM. The GM may go along with the group's desires, but he may instead decide to run whatever RPG he wants, regardless of the desires of the group. Again, because of the GM to PC ratio in our hobby, there is not much the PCs can do about this: they can either capitulate and play the RPG the GM is willing to run, or they can leave the group to try to find another game, or again, they can give up the RPG hobby entirely. The GM, on the other hand, will always be able to find PCs willing to game with whatever RPG system the GM has decided to run.

Thus, I hope that it is now obvious that RPG gaming groups are in fact Dictatorships. I maintain, of course, that the best gaming groups are Benevolent Dictatorships. Here's why.

We've focused on the group with a single GM. This, however, is not the only possibility. If we introduce a second individual into the group who is prepared to GM (even if they are only acting as a PC) then the power dynamic shifts somewhat. While the majority of the power still remains with the original GM, the PCs in the group have another option if there is a multi-PC conflict with the GM. While a single PC is still at the mercy of finding a new group, if the original GM alienates a majority or even only a significant minority of the PCs, they have the option of splitting from the group and gaming with the second GM (assuming, of course, that the specific PC wants to stop being a PC in the group and wants to GM for the other PCs instead). At its extreme this senerio could play out such that all of the group's PCs decide to game with the second GM, effectively ousting the original GM from the group. While this means that the PCs have more (collective) power in this scenario the original GM still retains all of his, as he can start a new group just as before - remember, there are always more PCs looking for a game then there are GMs and games available - simple supply and demand dictate that the "ousted GM" will be able to continue with a minimum of trouble.

That minimum of trouble does have a cost involved, however - namely the "opportunity cost" of the time and effort required to start a new gaming group and recruiting new PCs. This is why the GM holds most of the power but not all of it - the PCs can cause the GM some opportunity cost, singularly or collectively.

It should be obvious that a "PITA" GM is at a disadvantage (when compared to other GMs) because of these opportunity costs, but that such a GM is still in a position of more power than any PC because of the supply and demand aspects. It should also be obvious that a well run group is a Benevolent Dictatorship precisely because not acting in a benevolent fashion causes groups to dissolve or split up.

Finally, if we take the case where GMing duties is split or rotated between two or more group members on a regular or semi-regular basis, then it should be obvious that the GMs in this scenario share the power pretty much evenly. PCs in this scenario still have less power than the GMs, and all of the causes and consequences outlined above still apply. You may be thinking that if everyone in this scenario shared the GMing duties then the group would be a Democracy, but this is still not correct. If you examine things closely, you discover that what happens is that instead of the group being a Democracy it is instead a series of Dictatorships (almost certainly Benevolent Dictatorships) with all of the above detailed conflict-resolutions applying.

So in conclusion, it has been shown that there is a power balance in RPGs groups that favours the GM over the Players such that any group is best described as a Dictatorship. This occurs primarily because of the supply and demand factors inherient in the RPG hobby having a significant oversupply of Players wanting to play (demand) compared with the limited supply of GMs willing to run games. It has also been shown that, because the role of GM is not unique to a single individual, the "best" form of the resulting gaming group Dictatorship is a Benevolent Dictatorship, where the GM takes on-board the desires of his group. If, on the other hand, the GM does not act in a benevolent fashion he runs the risk of losing PCs and so fails to minimize the opportunity costs associated with replacing PCs and/or building a new gaming group. For their part, Players have little power individually and less power than the GM collectively because of the supply and demand aspects of the RPG hobby. They are, of course, free to leave a given gaming group as they desire, but Players need to be aware of their own opportunity costs involved with finding a new group - a relatively difficult task. It is my opinion that if a Player has a good GM with a good group, then the Player should think seriously before leaving that group or trying to split it up, especially if because they don't like the power dynamic, because they are potentially more likely to end up with a less-good GM or of not finding a suitable group at all. As a Player once said when discussing this topic (and no, it wasn't me nor was it about me):

"You don't know how good a GM we have. There are quite a few sh!t GMs out there, and ours is one of the best around. You don't know how good we've got it; you've never experienced anyone else. I have! You'd be nuts to want to change, especially on the off-chance someone else would be better. But go ahead; you'll soon realise your mistake."

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[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Democracy
[2] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Republic
[3] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anarchism
[4] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Totalitarianism
[5] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autocracy
[6] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Despotism
[7] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dictatorship
[8] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enlightened_despotism
[9] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benevolent_dictatorship

First of all, this is not aimed at any one individual or group of individuals. Instead, it is an explanation of my views on an activity, not on the people who engage in that activity.

For the record, when I use the term "paid game" I am referring to RPG sessions where the Players pay the GM to run the game for them.

As the title of this blog indicates I am opposed to paid games. I find the idea... distasteful, even cheap. While I hold no ill will to those who do engage in paid games, it is not something I can support or even condone. Others will, of course, hold different views, and I respect the people who hold those views, even though I may disagree with them and they with me.

Role-Playing Games are exactly that: they are games. Games are ment to be a fun activity, typically shared between friends. True, most activities grouped in under the "games" umbrella are competitions, but RPGs are different, even unique in that the Players don't compete with each other, nor do they compete with the GM - well, at least not in a properly run RPG, anyway. Yes, there are a handful of board and other games which are co-operative, but even with most of these the Players are competing against something, usually the clock or some other random element such as a deck of cards or such-like. No, it is only in the RPG hobby that the unique aspects of this "non-competition" are found.

So these games are unique, and are shared among and played by friends. As a GM I construct my games with care because I'm presenting something that I can enjoy with people I want to spend my time with: my friends. When I put together a new group I'm not looking for just Players; I'm looking for friends, both old and new. When we sit down and game we're not just rolling dice and playing at being "Murder-Hoboes"; we're building a relationship between friends and telling personal stories. I find it... uncomfortable to pay or be paid to be someone's friend.

Can you imagine paying someone to play a game of tennis with you? I don't mean as a coach or with both of you being paid to play as a spectacle, but just as a "friendly" game between two people? I know it could happen but its certainly different from just two friends having a game.

Then there's the idea of corruption. As a paid GM, do I go easy on the Players because I'm afraid that if I'm "too tough" they won't come back and therefore I won't make as much money. Or as a Player to I insist of having an easier time of things for the same reason. I know that this can happen in a regular game, but surely the temptation is greater when there's a direct, tangible reward on the table. We all know (those of us who have gamed for a while) that the best games and the best stories are the ones where the Players aren't handed everything on a silver platter (or even a copper platter, for that matter). And even if as a player I don't want the GM to go easy on me, how do I know that this isn't happening even sub-consciously on the GM's part when the GM's getting paid, and therefore I'm not getting a "true" RPG experience. Again, this ties back to trust and to friendship: how can I trust a "friend" who is only there because money is changing hands?

On a different note: How much hubris does a person have to have to think that they're a good enough GM to charge others for the privilege of playing in one of their games? I've been GMing for over 30 years, and I've gamed with a number of other GM's over that time who were as good or better than I am. And where as I'm one of the most arrogant, stuck-up know-it-alls that I know, I don't have the sheer balls to think I'm good enough for people to actually pay me - well, actually, I do. I just don't think that much of myself to actually go ahead and charge people. And I can't imaging any of the other GMs I know - the true Master GMs - changing people either, for the same reasons that I'm outlining here.

The more I wrote, read, re-wrote and re-read this blog the more I realized that the best analogy to this situation was one of sex versus "making love". Sex is fun, it is shared between two (or more) people (depending upon your personal level of kink), and is usually done by those with a relationship; with friends (or lovers). True, you can participate in a "one-shot" one-night-stand; in a series of "casual" encounters with people you know; but the best sex is when it moves beyond just sex into "making love": when the campaign of the physical act takes on the spiritual aspects and you find yourself sharing an intimate story with someone you trust and respect and genuinely care for: your "friend".

While you can certainly pay for and be paid for sex, you can't really pay for or be paid for "making love", because the trust, intimacy and "friendship" just isn't there.

And its the same (to my mind, at least) with paid games: you can't really get the full effect of the game when you have to pay someone to run the game for you - its like paying someone for sex: you get the physical act, but you're missing out on the deeper, more spiritual level.

So why do people pay for a game? I suspect its similar as to why people pay for sex - its "easier" than developing a relationship with a "friend", or its because its quicker to pay someone for a "one night stand" or series of "one night stands" to satisfy their passing "fix" than it is to take the time to find and develop the friendships necessary to fully enjoy this fantastic hobby. Its the "quick fix" versus the "delayed gratification", where everyone knows the delayed gratifications is way, way better in the long run!

I know it can be hard to find a gaming group - its hard to find a true friend and partner, too. But my advice to Players (and GMs) is stick with it, keep looking, and don't limit yourself to just the "popular" gaming systems but expand you horizons and try different systems. A lot of good GMs run games in different systems than the "popular" ones, and we play Role-Playing Games, not just a single game. And if you still can't find a game, seriously consider running one yourself: you become the GM - it's really not that hard, and yes, everyone can do it. After all, most RPGs are designed to be GM'd by 12 year olds - you're smarted than a 12 year old, aren't you?

And don't get me wrong - there's nothing wrong with showing your GM some love and appreciation, especially if they do run a good game. Chipping in and helping out your GM with some of the costs of running the game (buying Rulesets, Tokens, Maps, or Adventures and other Modules for your GM, or even your own Standard FG License) is a fine way to say "Thank you" for putting on a good game, as is the exchange of Christmas and Birthday Gifts as friends do (as my own group does).

So that's my take on paid games. I think SmiteWorks has taken the best stance they can with the topic, and I applaud them for the stance that they have taken as a decent compromise to the situation. But me personally: I don't like paid games, I don't support paid games, and I don't believe paid games are necessary; just deceptively convenient. I also strongly believe that those who participate in paid games are missing out on the full experience of the RPG hobby, which I consider is a real tragedy.

Good Luck and Good Gaming,

"And may all you rolls be 20s"

In the first part of this article I discussed the basic construction of a set of Dice Trays which I gave to my Players for Christmas a few years back. In this part I'm going to give Step-By-Step instructions on how to construct the Dice Tray, along with the Materials List. So here goes.

Note: All measurements are in millimeters. Measurements need to be exact, so measure each one twice before cutting, gluing, etc. Read through these instructions fully before starting so that you understand how the assembly process works.

Material List
Makes one (1) Dice Tray

• One (1) 300mm square 3mm 3-ply wooden tile
• Five (5) 1200mm-by-12mm square wooden "skirting strips". Note: Each Dice Tray only uses one-half of the 5^th Strip, so you only need nine (9) strips for every two (2) Dice Trays.
• One (1) piece of coloured felt at least 350mm square

Tools

• White/Wood Glue
• Seven (7) Small-Medium F- or G-Clamps
• Ruler
• Sharp Marking Pencil
• Dressmaker's/Sharp Scissors
• Dressmaker's Pins
• Medium Bulldog Clips
• Cross-cut Saw
• Craft Knife / Razor Blade
• Sandpaper
• Rags/Paper Towels

Method - Part 1

1. First, cut eight (8) 288mm long Strips from the Skirting Strips. These form both layers of the Dice Tray's Outer Lip (the Outer Lip Strips). Be careful when cutting the Skirting Strip - it has a tendency to splinter near the end of the cut. Touch up each end of each Strip with the sandpaper to take off any rough splinters.
2. Next, cut one (1) 237mm long Strip from a Skirting Strip. This forms half the Dice Channel Lip.
3. Next, cut one (1) 249mm long Strip from a Skirting Strip. This forms the other half the Dice Channel Lip.
4. Take the 300mm square Tile and carefully measure and draw a guide-line 12mm in from each of the four sides.
5. Take the Tile and draw a guide-line 39mm in from the top and right edges.
6. Take the Tile and draw a guide-line 51mm in from the top and right edges.
7. Take one (1) of the Outer Lip Strips; apply a smear of wood glue to one long edge of the Strip and glue it to the edge of the Tile using the guide-line as a guide. The end of the Strip should be flush with the corner of the Tile and there should be a 12mm gap at the other corner of the Tile. Use a F- or G- Clamps on each "corner" to hold the Strip in place.
8. Take one (1) of the Outer Lip Strips; apply a smear of wood glue to one long edge of the Strip and glue it to the edge of the Tile using the guide-line and the existing Strip as a guide. Remember to add a smear of glue to the end of the 1^st Strip where it butts against the edge of the 2^nd.
9. Repeat this process for the remaining two (2) Outer Lip Strips. You only need a total of four (4) F- or G-Clamps to hold all four (4) Outer Lip Strips in place if you place an F- or G-Clamp on each corner so that it holds the ends of two (2) of the Strips.
10. Take the shorter of the two Dice Channel Lip Strips, smear glue along one edge and on one end, and glue it to the Tile using the guide-lines you drew in Steps 5 & 6, placing the glued end against the side of the relevant Outer Lip Strip.
11. Take the longer of the two Dice Channel Lip Strips, smear glue along one edge and on one end, and glue it to the Tile using the guide-lines you drew in Steps 5 & 6. Remember to smear glue on the end of the shorter of these Strips where the longer Strip will butt against it. Clamp this junction and each of the junctions of the other two ends to hold everything in place.
12. Use the rags/paper towels to wipe away any excess glue.
13. Put the Dice Tray aside for 24 hours for the glue to cure properly.

Below is a picture of the Felt Template. We will draw this Template up to size and then pin it to our piece of Felt as a dressmaker's pattern. We will then cut around the pattern/Template to cut out our Dice Tray's Felt covering.

Attachment 15364

I've colour-coded the Felt Template to make it easier to see what goes where. The dark blue areas are 10mm wide and go between the layers of the Outer Lip Strips. The yellow areas are 12mm wide and go vertically against the Outer Lip and the Dice Channel Lip Strips. The light blue areas are 14mm wide and go along the top of the Dice Channel Strips. The dull green areas are 25mm wide and go along the bottom of the Dice Channel. Finally, the large bright green area is the Rollable Area and is 235mm wide.

The extra distances in these measurement account for the thickness of the Felt itself.

The large black cross is a guide-cross I used to create the Template and can safely be ignored.

All angles are either right-angles or 45-degrees - it should be obvious which is which.

Method - Part 2
Having allowed the Dice Tray to cure for 24 hours we can proceed with the constructions

1. Construct the Felt Template and pin it to the piece of Felt. Carefully cut out the Template and Felt, being careful not to allow the Felt to stretch - it will stretch, so be aware of this and try to keep it from happening.
2. Remove the Template from the Felt.
3. Starting with the Rollable Area, smear glue across the entire area and up the sides of the Outer Lip and the Dice Channel Lip. Position the Felt so that the relevant part is in the Rollable Area. Use The Bulldog Clips to press the Felt against the Outer and Dice Channel Lips, especially in the corners and along the edges. Don't use too much glue as it will soak into the Felt and ruin it, but don't use too little so the the Felt lifts from the Dice Tray.
4. Now smear glue along the top of the Dice Channel Lip and down the sides into the Dice Channel. Again, use Bulldog Clips to hold the Felt in place against the Dice Channel Lip.
5. Continue to smear glue along the Dice Channel and up the sides of the Outer Lip. Once again use Bulldog Clips to hold the Felt in place.
6. Finally, smear glue along the top of the Outer Lip and glue the "dark blue" areas of the Felt to the top of the Outer Lip. Use Bulldog Clips to hold things in place.
7. Take one (1) of the unused Outer Lip Strips; apply a smear of wood glue to one long edge of the Strip and glue it to the top of the Outer Lip, trapping the "dark blue" part of the felt between it and the Outer Lip Strip below. Position the top Outer Lip Strip so that it overlaps the corner-end of the adjacent Lower Strip the same way you do when laying bricks. By overlapping the Lower Strips at the corners you provide extra strength and rigidity, helping to prevent the Dice Try from warping. Use a F- or G- Clamps on each "corner" to hold the Strip in place.
8. Take one (1) of the remaining Outer Lip Strips; apply a smear of wood glue to one long edge of the Strip and glue it to the top of the Lower Strip. Remember to add a smear of glue to the end of the 1^st Strip where it butts against the edge of the 2^nd.
9. Repeat this process for the remaining two (2) Outer Lip Strips. You only need a total of four (4) F- or G-Clamps to hold all four (4) Outer Lip Strips in place if you place an F- or G-Clamp on each corner so that it holds the ends of two of the Strips.
10. Use the rags/paper towels to wipe away any excess glue.
11. Put the Dice Tray aside for 24 hours for the glue to cure properly.
12. Once the Dice Tray is fully cured take a Hobby Knife or Razor Blade and trim up any Felt the is protruding from the outer edge of the Outer Edge Lip.

That's it! I hope you have many years of enjoyable use from your Dice Tray, and may all your rolls be Crits. :)

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Copyright Stuff - All plans and diagrams in this article are (c) Copyright 2012 Peregrine I.T. Pty Ltd. Permission is given to use these plans and information for personal, non-commercial use only. All rights are reserved.

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If people find this interesting I can do a similar blog article where I can show you how to build your own Dice Tower - let me know if people are interested in this by leaving a comment below.

Recently a discussion was had on the Forums about how people divide up treasure. I won't bore you with the full details (you can read it here if you're interested) but I thought I'd elaborate more fully here on the method I outlined there on the thread. But first, a small detour to set things up.

How characters organise themselves into parties is many and varied, but over the years (I've been playing and GMing since 1982) I've noticed that almost all parties tend to organise themselves with the following "party positions:" party leader, mapper, quarter-master (QM) and treasurer. Now, obviously, not every party is going to have these positions and some parties have more, but these are the ones I've observed most often. It's also interesting to note that the position of mapper still exists even though we use electronic maps in FG - this is probably because I sometimes take the FG Map away (of look, you're so stressed you can't remember the way out of this dungeon - BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!) and so my players tend to make "scratch maps" as a back up in case this happens. But that's another story.

So, let me say first off that how players divide up the treasure is entirely up to the players - as GM I stay right out of it (as the NPCs and/or henchmen I have a say, but that's always as the NPC, never as the GM).

However, I have also often found that players, especially new players, don't really know how to go about it without a lot of trial and error. So with this in mind I often suggest to my players the following method, which has been used since the early 1980's. It's not complicated (although some may consider it slightly complex); its fair in that everyone gets magic and money and no-one feels hard done by; it promotes teamwork & heroics and tends to curb intra-party thieving, etc, and its self-correcting in that if people try to "play the system" or if they're @ssholes then it'll bight them in the butt as the other players will do the same to them. I've seen this method used with all sorts of groups with all sorts of personalities and all sorts of characters and character types in all sorts of RPGs and it really works and works well. So here goes.

First of all treasure comes in two broad categories: magic and non-magic. We'll deal with non-magic first.

Step one is to convert all non-magical treasure into a GP-equivalent - ie sell it! Sell the gems, jewelry, art objects, rare books, whatever. If a player particularly wants an item then they're free to buy it (or buy it back) but everything is converted to gold (or whatever) - no exceptions! Funnily enough in all the years I've seen this method employed almost no-one bothers to purchase the art objects, etc.

Step two (actually, this should be Step 0 as you can do this once at the start of the campaign/adventure before any treasure is even found) is to determine the number of "treasure shares" the party is going to have. This is where the party can get really flexible in how they want to run things. A good starting point is to give every player character and each non-henchman (and non-employee) NPC a full share; Henchmen get a half-share and employee-NPCs don't get a share at all (they're getting paid, after all). In addition to these shares the party leader gets an additional half-share and each of the other party-positions gets an additional quarter-share. Some parties also have a "party share" which is used by the party as a whole to pay for lodgings, NPC-employees, gather info bribes, resurrections, etc. Finally, and this is the bit that encourages teamwork, etc, is a full share (or whatever is necessary to round-out all of the half- and quarter-shares into a whole number of shares) used as the "Most Valuable Player Character" (MVP) Award. The MVP is voted on by the players as to which PC is the most deserving. It must be awarded and it must go to an individual, it can never be split between two or more PCs. PCs win the award for helping out the party as a whole: this can be doing something heroic such as holding the breach while everyone else gets away; solving the puzzle that was key to completing the adventure; helping the party stay on track; or whatever else the party thinks is deserving of the award. Obviously, PCs who steal from their fellow party members won't be getting the award, nor will those who are @ssholes.

Dividing up magic treasure is a little bit trickier. The best long-term method is to let random chance (ie a die roll) decide, because in the long run everyone's got the same chance to get the first pick of the magic and people really can't argue with the die. So when it becomes time to divide up magic everyone rolls 1d20, with people choosing in order of their roll. Once everyone has had a pick everyone rolls 1d20 again for the next round, and so on until all the magic treasure is gone. A couple of "tweeks" make this even more fair: first, if you get first pick in a round you have a -5 penalty to your roll on the next round, no matter when the next round occurs; similarly if you get 2^nd pick in a round you get a -2 penalty. You can voluntarily give up your pick in this and every succeeding round of this "treasure divide up" to receive a +5 bonus to your roll for the first round of the next treasure divide up. Similarly, if the party runs out of magic items before you get a pick in a round you get a +5 bonus to the next round. All bonuses and penalties are cumulative.

Some notes: people are generally expected to choose items most useful to them before picking more "expensive" items. Generically useful items (ie healing potions, etc) belong to the party as whole. Players generally offer up old items back into the magic divide up when they get a more useful version ie give back the +2 sword when they get a +3 sword, or give back the +1 ring when they get a +2 ring, etc. Some parties actually allow a swap of low- for high-powered items, while others "buy back" the old item for the going price (ie the PC "sells" the item to the party). If the situation occurs when everyone no longer wants to chose a magic item and there are magic items remaining, the remaining magic items are sold (and the money goes into the non-magic "shares" system).

So, there it is. I hope you've find this method useful. You can modify it as you wish, but what is presented above is the distilled wisdom of 100's of players across dozens of campaigns over 10's of years.

Enjoy!

Reading Doug's post on dice inspired me to write about a nice Christmas gift I gave each of my players a few years back.

At the time we were a face-to-face group, and as so often happens in such a setting our gaming table was often overflowing with paper, pencils, rule books, minatures, dice, snacks, drinks... you name it - and I have an old "Board Room" Conference Table as my gaming table, and it was still overflowing! Suffice it to say, dice would go everywhere when we rolled them - on the floor, into chip-packets, under books: everywhere!

'We need something better' I said to myself, because even house rules like 'the dice must remain on the table' weren't working too well.

So with Christmas approaching I subtly asked each of my players their favourite colour - "Hey, Johno, what's your favourite colour?!" was a typical way of doing so.

Armed with this vital information I then proceeded with my plan - the construction of a set of Dice Trays!

If you've never seen a dice tray its basically a flat wooden tray about a foot (300mm) square with a lip around the edge. Fancier ones are covered in felt (hence the favourite colour question) and have an inner "channel" to hold dice out of the way. Thus you end up with a convenient, personal surface upon which to roll your dice that makes it very easy for such rules as 'If its not in the tray it doesn't count'. The picture below shows one of the trays that I made - as you can see, it gets a LOT of use.

Attachment 14263

The whole thing cost me about $10 and 2 nights of construction time, mainly to allow the glue to dry properly. All of the materials I got from my local Bunnings (a hardware chain) and the felt I picked up from Spotlight (a haberdashery chain). I was making six trays, so it was easier to make them as a production-line-style system as opposed to completing each one before starting the next. Because I used small F-Clamps to hold things together while the glue dried and I only had enough clamps to do 3 trays at a time (each one takes 4-7 clamps if you do it properly) I did the trays in batches of three over 4 nights.

Each tray was a 3mm 3-ply "tile" and the outer lip was 12mm skirting-strip stacked two layers high; this comes in 1200mm lengths which is just enough to go around one layer of one tray's edge. As each tray's lip is two strips high (why is explained below) you need two 1200mm lengths for each tray. The inner die channel is also made from the same 12mm skirting-strips, so a third 1200mm length will do two trays - or a total of five lengths for every two trays. Apart from the felt (which we'll get to in a moment) you'll need a bottle of white wood-glue, seven F- or G-Clamps for each tray you want to make at the same time, a rule or measuring tape, a marking pencil, plenty of rags or paper towels to mop up excess glue, a pair of really sharp scissors (dressmakers scissors if you can get them), a box of dressmaker pins, and a cross-cut saw. You'll also find a box of "bulldog clips" handy as well (ask at an office supply store or a newsagent).

The hardest part of this project is getting the felt to sit properly - because the edge of the felt is secured between the two layers of the tray's lip (one of the reasons the lip is two layers high) and thus has to go down into the tray, then across the tray, up and over the die channel strip into the die channel, and then finally up the opposite side of the tray's lip into and between the two layers of lip, the felt has a very convoluted shape. Yes, you could have the felt as a number of separate pieces, but after a while the felt tends to lift if you do it like that. By having the felt as a single piece cut to match all the "up and down bits" it makes for a much better and longer lasting design. Each tray starts with a square piece of felt 350mm across.

Next episode I'll outline the construction method and provide the felt template so you can build you own Dice Tray(s) - assuming people are interested, that is. :)

I draw inspiration for the torture - sorry, adventures - I put my players through from many sources; movies, books, magazine articles, and of course, songs. Swamp Witch by Jim Stafford is one of my favourites - it’s a “southern, Louisiana-style” slow ballad that just drips with adventure ideas and plot. If you can, see if you can locate a copy and have a listen - you’ll be glad you did!

In the meantime, I’ve written out the lyrics here to provide my fellow Torturers - sorry, GMs - with some potential inspiration. See if you can come up with an adventure idea more evil - sorry, exciting - than what I put my players through. :ogre:

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Black Water Hattie lived back in the swamp,
Where the strange green reptiles crawl.
Snakes hang thick from the cypress trees,
Like sausage on a smokehouse wall.
Where the swamp is alive with a thousand eyes,
An’ all of them watching you!
Stay off the track to Hattie’s Shack,
In the back of the Black Bayou.

Way up the road from Hattie’s Shack
Lies a sleepy little Okeechobee town.
Talk of Swamp Witch Hattie
Lock you in when the sun go down.
Rumours of what she’d done,
Rumours of what she’d do,
Kept folks off the track of Hattie’s Shack,
In the back of the Black Bayou.

One day brought the rain and the rain stayed on
And the swamp water overflowed.
’Sqeetes and the fever grabbed the town like a fist;
Doc Jackson was the first to go.
Some said the plague was brought by Hattie,
There was talk of a hang’n too!
But the talk got shackled by the howls and the cackles
From the bowels of the Black Bayou.

Early one morn ’tween dark and dawn,
When shadows filled the sky,
There came an unseen caller
On a town where hope run dry.
In the square there was found a big black round
Vat full of gurgling brew.
Whispering sounds as the folks gathered round,
“It came from the Black Bayou.”

There ain’t much pride when you’re trapped inside
A slowly sink’n ship.
Scooped up the liquid deep and green
And the whole town took a sip.
Fever went away and the very next day
The skies again were blue.
“Let’s thank ol’ Hattie for sav’n our town.
We’ll fetch her from the Black Bayou.”

Party of ten of the town’s best men
Headed for Hattie’s Shack.
Said Swamp Witch magic was useful and good
And they’re gonna bring Hattie back.
Never found Hattie and they never found the shack,
And they never made a trip back in.
’Twas a parchment note they found tacked to a stump
Said ‘Don’t come look’n again!’

---

Thanks to Jim Stafford for an fantastic song.

I posted this into the Forums in August 2015, but thought it'd be better off as a Blog Post, so I've re-posted in here - enjoy!

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Preface
This article isn't for everyone; some RPG groups aren't that concerned with highly accurate or realistic world or social systems, being more concerned with simply having fun playing. On the other-hand, some groups find a highly detailed, realistic and accurate "system" helps in their enjoyment and "suspension of disbelief". This article is aimed at the later groups, and deals with the physical aspects of coins in an attempt to marry up the historically and physically accurate with our RPGs.

Introduction
Those that know me and the way I like to set up my game worlds know that, while I am quite willing to fudge a value and/or round a number off to make it "more pleasing", I look at the reasons behind why a given system was set up the way it was and then use that as the basis for the model to base all of a world's "stuff" on. This then is the underlying principle I have used in my recent investigations and determinations on the size and mass of the various coins we use in our (primarily fantasy) RPGs. During my investigations I have delved into different weight systems and also the historical basis of ancient currencies and coins, and also the value of beer, all in attempt to determine "proper" sizes and weights for coinage, in particular the coinage of the DnD RPG. This information I've presented here to assist anyone else who is interested in providing their games with realistic RPG coinage.

Be aware that this article delves into a number of seemingly unrelated topics - hang in there, it'll all come together in the end.

Pounds Troy
The Troy weight system consists of Pounds Troy (lbt), Ounces Troy (ozt), Carats (k, not to be confused with Carats for measuring gemstones), Pennyweights (dwt) and Grains (gr) - 1 lbt = 12 ozt = 24 k = 240 dwt = 5760 gr. Troy weight isn't used much any more, except in the measurement of precious metal, particularly gold and silver.

Pounds Avoirdupois
The "common" Imperial weight system most familiar to us today is the Avoirdupois system. It consists of Pounds (lb), Ounces (oz), Drams (dr, also known as drachms) and Grains (gr) - 1 lb = 16 oz = 256 dr = 7000 gr. The only common measurement between the Troy and Avoirdupois weight systems is the Grain, which allows us to determine that 1 lbt = 0.82 lb (approx).

Volume of Coins
The volume of a coin is simply the volume of a cylinder, which is given by: thickness times pi times radius squared - v=t*PI*r². If we take the measurements in centimeters the resulting volume is in milliliters (ml), which is convenient because 1 ml of water weighs 1 gram (g).

While coins are not smooth disks (they are stamped on both sides and so have hollows and ridges) they start out as smooth disk and no volume is lost or added during the stamping process, so we can safely ignore any stampings and treat them as smooth disks.

It is interesting to note that if you halve the diameter of a disk (halve the radius) you need to increase the thickness by a factor of 4 to retain the same volume: an interesting fact to remember if you want to modify the recommendations below.

Ancient English Coinage
The English coinage of the 16th Century was based on the Silver Standard and consisted of Sovereigns (li, pounds), Shillings (s) and Pennies (d) - 1 li = 20 s = 240 d. This system was based on the older Roman system of coins. Note that Pennies were made of silver and not the more common (nowadays) copper. The Troy weight system was in widespread use in England during this time and it was here when the English coinage system was standardised with respect to weight of silver content. Silver for coinage was refined to 222 parts in 240 parts pure (22.2K) while gold was refined to 22 parts in 24 (22K) - hence 22 carat gold. This obviously ties back to the Carat Troy and therefore the Pound Troy, such that a (silver) Penny weighed 1 pennyweight (1 dwt).

RPG Coins
We now have a model we can use to determine the size of our coins. We know the volume of a disk (in ml, from above) and we can look up the relative density of the five main metals used in coins (platinum, gold, electrum, silver and copper) relative to water, and then multiply the coin volume by the density to give the weight - w=d*t*pi*r²

If we take 1/8 oz (3.54g) as a good weight for our RPG coins (based on the historical range of weights for real coins) and allowing only plus or minus 1/80 oz (0.35g) we end up with the the following recommended coin sizes:

Coin	Best	2nd Best
Copper (cp)	1" * 1/32" (25.4mm * 0.8mm) 5/8" * 5/64" (15.9mm * 2.0mm) 1/2" * 1/8" (12.7mm * 3.2mm)
Silver (sp)	3/4" * 3/64" (19.1mm * 1.2mm) 1/2" * 7/64" (12.7mm * 2.8mm)	7/8" * 1/32" (22.2mm * 0.8mm) 5/8" * 1/16" (15.9mm * 1.6mm)
Electrum (ep)	1" * 1/32" (25.4mm * 0.8mm) 5/8" * 5/64" (15.9mm * 2.0mm) 1/2" * 1/8" (12.7mm * 3.2mm)
Gold (gp)	3/8" * 3/32" (9.5mm * 2.4mm)	1/2" * 1/16" (12.7mm * 1.6mm) 3/8" * 7/64" (9.5mm * 2.8mm)
Platinum (pp)	3/8" * 3/32" (9.5mm * 2.4mm)	1/2" * 1/16" (12.7mm * 1.6mm) 3/8" * 7/64" (9.5mm * 2.8mm)

A quick cross-check with historical coins shows these values are all in the same general area. Any of the above figures would be acceptable and can be justified due to imperfections in the casting process, clipping, etc.

1/8 oz is also a good weight to choose as that then means there are 128 coins in a pound. Setting a pound (of gold or silver) to be 120 coins (120gp or 120sp) means that our coins would be 15 parts in 16 pure (22.5K) - a good approximation for the actual purity of coins.

Justification (in Beer)
(Trust an Ozzie... :p)
The Beer Standard is a way of measuring the various values of commodities across countries and across time. The idea is that a pint of beer cost the same in relative terms no matter where or when you are, and thus by converting something into the equivalent value of beer it makes comparing different things in different places and/or times easier. It has proven to be surprisingly accurate and thus we can use it as a second, independent method to see if our coinage (values) are "close".

A mug of ale in 3.5E cost 4cp or 0.04gp. Assuming a mug of ale contains a pint (a not unreasonable assumption), that means we can buy 3000 mugs of ale for our 120gp pound of gold.

Based on the average beer price in New York, NY in 2015, a pint of beer is about US$6 (from Google) and so 3000 pints of beer would cost US$18,000.

There are 14.58 ozt in a lb, and Gold is selling for about US$1250 per ozt (gold fluctuates widely day-to-day, but its not unreasonable on average to use US$1250), so a pound of gold is worth around US$18,230, which is pretty close to our (beer) calculation of US$18,000 (about 1.28% greater).

So our choice of 120gp per pound of gold and 128 coins to a pound of metal is pretty good.

Summary
So, in conclusion, for 3.5E DnD (and thus similarly in other RPGs):

1 lb Of	Has a Value Of	Makes
Copper	120 cp	128 cp
Silver	120 sp	128 sp
Electrum	120 ep	128 ep
Gold	120 gp	128 gp
Platinum	120 pp	128 pp

Am I an addict? Am I addicted to the endorphic pleasure that creating brings me? Is that why I do it? Is that why I do little else?

It's true that I enjoy writing code; that I enjoy solving the problems that invariable crop up in attempting to command a computer to perform new and varied tasks. I enjoy also that others think my creations are good; good enough to use and good enough to wait in anticipation for the next upgrade or the next new piece of work (although not, apparently, good enough to actually shell out their hard earned bucks for - but that's another issue). But simple enjoyment doesn't explain things; at least not to me; at least not in my mind.

No, for after even only a few days the pleasure that the praise of others has given me has worn off and I find myself trawling, wanting, needing that next piece of congratulations written in a post or in an email, and so when the posts dry up I find myself back in front of my keyboard, back in front of my computer, typing away on improving an old piece of work or coming up with a new one, all for the accolades that I hope will be waiting for me when I finally release my latest creation. And yet the underlying pleasure of the act of creation remains, the simply joy that looking at an existing creation brings, knowing that the job is done and done well, even after the praise has dried up and blown away.

Is this what best-selling novelists go through? Is that why they produce story after story after story? Do they never stop because the need to create consumes them - like a drug consumes a junkie? Do they live for the same endorphic pleasure that I seem to do? Are they driven to put fingers on keys in the same way and for the same reasons? Do they live and die by the words of the reviewer - they certainly live or die by the number of copies they sell.

Why does this urge to create exist in us? Why do we create marvelous worlds for our players; marvelous plot-lines for our readers; marvelous pieces of art for those we don't even know? Is it for the praise that our creations bring, or is it something deeper, more fundamental, more entwined with our sense of being and our sense of self? I know I would create even without an audience, without the kudos, but still I find myself hunting, yearning for the words of encouragement; for the endorsement of others that my work is as good as I think it is; for the pleasure that I see in the eyes of my friends; that I hear in the laughter and the moans of my players; that I read in the posts from people I only know of via a handle on a forum.

Am I that shallow, that needing of the acknowledgment of others, that I would whore myself and my talents for a few kind works? I don't think so; I hope not. And yet, here I am asking the question, and in a public setting as well. Is this but a moment of self-reflection, or an realization of something else? Am I, indeed, addicted, and if so to what? The praise of others, or the joy of bringing something new, something no-one has ever seen before, something no-one else could do for each creation is unique like its creator - which is it, or is it all of them?

Perhaps I'll never know, but I wonder if I'm the only creator who asks these questions of themselves, or if there are others.

This too perhaps I'll never know.

Or How To Spot A Master GM

I've been around the RPG hobby now for quite a few years (when you see "years" read "decades") and in that time I've come across a few very talented, very knowledgeable and very sought after Game Masters, and recently I've got to wondering what makes these individuals so good at running games. Sure, there are plenty of good GMs around, and there are even a reasonable number of great GMs out there too, but what is it about those special few individuals that we are justified in calling them Master GMs? This essay is the result of my considerations and observations on the subject and my attempt to define what well may be the indefinable qualities that go into making someone a Master GM.

So here goes.

Honor and XP
First of all, nobody who is a genuine Master GM ever calls themselves that. Sure, they'll quietly acknowledge the accolade when others consider them worthy of the honour, but they'll never claim the title themselves - he who claims to be a Master GM proves himself unworthy of the title by his own hubris.

As can be expected a Master GM has a vast amount of experience. They say it takes at least ten thousand hours to get really good at something, so of course a Master GM will have simply oodles of time under their belt. But just because a given GM is old (and crotchety - maybe) that doesn't automatically make them a Master GM; I've known one or two Master GM's who were only in their late 20's. Still, no Master GM never had several years of experience running games.

Multi-Weapon Fighting
A sure-fire sign that your GM may be a Master GM is how well they know their game setting. If they can rattle of places and names, events and occurrences at the drop of a hat, and make you believe that not only do they know what they're talking about but even that they've actually been there... well, then they're a good candidate for the Master GM title.

Hand-in-hand with their knowledge of their game world is knowledge of the game system. A good GM knows their system forward and backwards, inside and outside, and upside down and right-side up. A Master GM knows not just their system, but lots of systems. They can discuss the subtle differences between first and second edition D&D, second and forth edition Shadowrun, and the various editions of Traveller. They've run Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay, Runequest, Middle-Earth Roleplay and Earthdawn, or if not those particular games then an equivalent selection of others.

+5 Crafting
Master GMs tend to be creators: either they're creating adventures, creating their own game world, or even sometimes creating their own RPG. Master GMs tend to create because nearly all of them have a love of creating things for others to experience; they gain immense pleasure in presenting to others their creations and in having others enjoy and explore what they've presented. They also derive great pleasure in presenting challenges to not only the Player Characters but to the Players themselves, helping them grow and develop as gamers.

Leadership and Bardic Lore
Master GM's tend to also be nurturers and mentors, guiding those who are new to our hobby or less experienced then themselves. It's not unusal for a Master GM's gaming group to have newbies being brought in and nurtured in our hobby, for Master GMs have the ability to balance the needs of the experienced and the inexperienced to make the whole better.

Another sign that your GM may be a Master GM is the depth of their knowledgeable in areas not traditionally associated with RPGs. Here I'm talking about geography, history, cultures, psychology, climate science, astronomy, ecology, and a host of other disciplines; for a Master GM desires for their games to be as realistic as possible and a good working knowledge of all of these fields and others helps a Master GM in creating a "willing disbelief" in their Players - people will accept almost anything if its presented to them in such a way that it maintains "internal consistence". Conversely, nothing will jar a Player out of their enjoyment of the game more then discovering inconsistencies with rules, settings or styles.

Empathic Link
Master GMs tend to also be Master Players, but only rarely. Most Master GMs will not play in others' games unless they too are being run by a Master GM. In this Master GMs can be thought of as "alpha males", and most alpha males are too competitive to "submit" to the authority of another GM when they themselves can "do it better". However, a true Master GM has no trouble playing in another Master GM's game as the will to become a better GM overrides this natural "alpha tendency". Most Master GMs are secure enough in their own GMing style to be open enough to learn from another Master GM. This is one thing does does separate the Master GMs from a "regular" GM.

Charge
The Players in a Master GM's game are always in a quandary: they always want to take each path presented to them by the plot, for the Master GM has the talent and skill to make all paths seem to be "main paths", and their Players always wish they could "reload" the game to try out the paths not taken.

Related to the above is the fact that a Master GM almost always has more Players wanting to play in their game(s) then there are slots available. Master GM's rarely need to advertise for Players (unless they are starting up a brand new group) for word of mouth quickly spreads when a slot in a Master GM's game becomes available - and Master GM's normally have a waiting list of potential Players anyway.

Freedom of Movement
Master GMs show a particular talent in getting their games and their carefully constructed plots "back on track". All GMs know how to "railroad the Players", either subtly or blatantly. Great GMs can make such "railroading" seem as if it were the Players' idea. But a Master GM can make it appear as if it was all part of the original story anyway, and that no "railroading" has taken place at all. If you've never been "railroaded" then you've been gaming with a Master GM - even if you've never realised it!

Aura of... Something
Finally, there's that special something that is practically impossible to describe; that something that every Master GM has that is different from all the other GMs out there and different even from other Master GMs. That something that we all recognise when we see it but which can't be read about or written down or recorded in any way, but which some posses naturally and some learn by osmosis.

So if you're lucky enough to know a genuine Master GM then treasure that relationship, because your gaming is so much better for it. If you find yourself in the presence of such an individual then sit back and listen to whatever sage advice falls from their lips, and refrain from supplying your own, for in being a Master GM they have earned the right of your respect, though they will never demand it.

If someone you know is worthy of the acclaim then be not timid in bestowing it upon them, but also be not too generous and bestow the distinction upon all and sundry, for in doing so you cheapen both the accolade and yourself.

If you desire to become a Master GM yourself - and there is no more nobler a goal for any GM - then hopefully this essay has placed you feet upon that path. Walk it well, and when the path fades before you and you are forging it anew, then you will know that you may indeed be worthy of the title: Master GM.

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I welcome others points of view on this subject, whether you agree or disagree, or have other qualities to add or stories of a Master GM you know, so if you'd like then I encourage you to join the discussion below and share you views and stories.

“A Mr Sharashta to see you, doctor.” Feizenbaum nodded vaguely; his head still hurt badly from the 140° liquor the night before and he still had to face the fact that his hallucinated devil had left some disturbingly tangible evidence of its visit. He hardly noticed the handsome young man in the Games Workshop T-shirt slip into his office.

“Ah, Dr. Feizenbaum. If I may use a motoring simile here, I think your brain is still in neutral. Try engaging it into bottom gear. Do you mind if I unpolymorph myself?”

Feizenbaum was beginning to get the hang of this by now. “No, of course not”, he replied with a trace of hysterical grandiosity. “This is about Norbert Parkinson, isn’t it?”

“Uh-huh”, replied the angelic creature opposite, comfortably folding his wings around the back of the chair.

“You’re a planetar?”

“Been reading the game books I see. No,” this with displeasure and a trace of tetchiness, “I’m a solar, actually. The point of my visit is that Norbert Parkinson must not be released. He is too powerful a Reality Mutant. Your world couldn’t handle it; you’re mostly evil and almost without exception chaotic and there’s no doubt the other side would gain the advantage. The devils would like it because they could rule a chaotic world with little trouble and the demons would make lots of converts too. So we in Elysiunm consider that Norbert should stay here in the bin.”

“I can’t do that. He’s not dangerous; he’s here as a voluntary patient.”

“Like hell he is.” said the solar sarcastically, “Come on, doc, I’m a supra-genius – don’t waste my time. He’s here as a voluntary patient because you’ve told him that it’s either that or a sectioning job under the Mental Health Act. Like most people, Norbert doesn’t know the legal limits on your powers and you certainly don’t tell him. So he can be a ‘voluntary patient’ for some time… I mean, we don’t want him to suffer. Lay off the electro-convulsive stuff and the drugs and the psychosurgery – although I gather that the lobotomies aren’t so easy for you to get away with these days.” The solar broke off to inhale from a tastefully gold-handed menthol cigarette it had lit. In desperation, Feizenbaum tried to change the subject.

“You shouldn’t do that. Think of the health risks!”

The solar looked contemptuously back at him.

“Don’t be dumb. What’s that to me when I’ve got a Wish every day? Smoking’s one of the fringe benefits of being on this miserable plane. That and the sex, drugs and rock and roll. Definite deficiencies of that sort of thing in Elysium.”

“But… aren’t you Lawful Good? Isn’t that out of line?”

“Not at all. Fertility deity, very into intoxications and passions and all that sort of business; by the way, do you mind if I date your nurse tonight? I could only get tickets for U2, but it’s better than nothing and these Prime Material girls really go for a guy with a 24 Charisma. Oh, and it’s Neutral Good actually. You didn’t read carefully enough. Well, I’m glad you’ll be keeping Norbert here. I must be off now.”

“What am I going to do when the devil turns up? He’s going to incinerate me. There’s no saving throw. He’ll kill me.”

“No he won’t.”

“Yes he will.”

“Oh no he won’t.”

“Oh yes he will.”

“Look, doc, this is not a Punch and Judy show. Baazerath had a minor accident on the way home last night and he won’t be leaving his home plane for 666 years. You’ll be quite safe. But if you really feel it will make you better, I will cast a wish to protect you. But I was rather hoping to keep that for your nurse…”

“You foul chauvinist! How can it be right to coerce someone with such magic?”

“Well actually there won’t be any coercion. I have the psionic ability of precognition, so I know that. Don’t lecture me on ethics, Feizenbaum. Oh, and don’t drink so much either. That’s a health risk too and you don’t have wishes. Bye now.”

***

The freckle-faced girl smiled back at the handsome young man as he weaved his way to their table with two colourful ****tails in his hands. They sipped them appreciatively as they relaxed in the soft leather chairs.

“I didn’t enjoy presenting myself as a Pit Fiend first time round, I must say. Still, all’s well that ends well. Feizenbaum won’t he any worry now.”

“Feizenbaum? But – Norbert Parkinson…?” The girl looked very surprised.

“Oh, Norbert was just the instigating problem. Feizenbaum might have taken him into psychotherapy and after a while Norbert’s stories just might have altered Feizenbaum’s thinking. Feizenbaum was the Reality Mutant: he was the danger. Although he has not yet taken up roleplaying games, it has crossed his mind to do so. But now, while he currently believes that devils and angels are real, he is so utterly confused that he will be incapable of effecting any major Reality Shift by constructing that dangerous reality altering game he had inside his mind in latent form. And after a while he will come to believe that it was all just a hallucination: idiots always do.” He sipped at the potent ****tail again, relishing the mixed flavours of the 13 alcoholic ingredients. “I must get the recipe for this to take home.”

“Are you sure about this?”

“Oh Yes. I didn’t explain in detail the key fact – that gating into this plane would be a lot easier, so far as this world goes, if that Reality Shift we were worried about took place, and he never asked. He may have inferred it, but I don’t think so. But keep an eye on him. Can you arrange to get Parkinson transferred to another ward?”

“No problem – I can get him transferred to another hospital next week.”

“Fine. Feizenbaum’s going to spend the rest of this week in an alcoholic stupor so that deals with everything perfectly.”

“So can we go and see U2 now?”

“If we must. You owe me twenty bucks for the ticket.” The girl protested. “Come on, these are the liberated teens. I’m a bit short until Friday. Anyway, look,” continued the solar, checking his digital wristwatch, “the concert starts at 9 but U2 won’t be on until 10 – 10.12, to be precise. Arsenal kick off at 7.30 and I’d rather like to see the first goal for Manchester for real – you never do get the fine-grain detail with precognitions. And the second-half brawl is a beauty. I can teleport us to the Wembley in time to see U2. The support band are awful anyway.”

“It’s a deal if you treat me to the concert”. The redhead looked big-eyed and persuasive.

“Oh, alright, let’s go.” The solar got up disconsolately, and walked off into the night with the 16th level cleric on his arm.

“So I was right to Gate you?”

“Oh, sure, the problem needed looking at. Anyway, visiting the Prime Material has its good points”, the solar said, cuddling her close.

“Beast. But what about poor Norbert?” He’s quite cute and completely harmless.”

“Oh, no problem. He’ll be released in 14 days; no harm done. Actually, his hospital experiences will have shocked him so much that he’ll give up roleplaying games for good. He’ll end up as a chartered accountant.”

“Poor little sod.”

The solar and the cleric meandered off towards the river, secure in the knowledge that the vast majority of humanity remained totally ignorant of extraplanar reality.

***

This story contains numerous Very Long Words and a helpful glossary is provided.

• Consensually Perceived Reality: What gets published in the tabloids.
• Drugs, Brain-damaging: See major tranquilizers (qv).
• Electro-convulsive stuff: The technique of passing electrical current through the brain in the hope of putting it right when it isn’t working properly (well, more or less). Cf the time-honoured practice of kicking the television when it doesn’t work.
• Epistemology: (1) Theories of knowledge acquisition. (2) The study of people affected by polish raw spirit (qv).
• Hallucination: A veridical perception other people are too stupid, stubborn or unobservant to notice.
• Liquid cosh: See major tranquilizers (qv).
• Major tranquilizers: Chemicals of the phenothiazine class (but also newer substituted benzamides, thioxanthenes, etc). Used in the ‘treatment’ of persons with Serious Problems usually involving hallucinations (qv) and failure to observe Consensually Perceived Reality (qv).
• Meso-cortico-limbic circuits: Interesting and complicated bits of the brain which connect the frontal bits to the bits in the middle, usually linked with emotion, perception, cognition and other Impressive Terms ending in ‘ion’.
• Pharmacological arsenal: See drugs, brain damaging (qv).
• Polish raw spirit: See drugs, brain-damaging (qv).
• Prime material girl: Madonna in the best of health.
• Psychosurgery: Lopping bits off the brain in the hope that this will put it right when it isn’t working properly (cf electro-convulsive stuff (qv)).
• Psychotherapy: The practice of extracting large sums of money from people in return for mystifying conversation. Pioneered by the famous Viennese Sigmund MacLaren, known for his summary formula ‘Pounds from Platitudes’.
• U2: A rock band liked by people taking major tranquilizers (qv).

***

This article is a blatant plagerisation of an article by Gary Holland that appeared in White Dwarf 78, June 1986, and it as been used without even considering asking for permission (but with many thanks).

Norbert Parkinson’s childhood was not outwardly exceptional, but his early experiences must have influenced his later maladaptive development; there are hints that he was shy, reclusive, and prone to reading too much. It was in early adolescence that his illness first became apparent to the trained observer, and this coincided with his taking up the intensive playing of so-called “role-playing games”. Recently, his psychosis has become manifest and he lives in a world occupied by elves, goblins, dragons, evil wizards and diverse other fantasy figures…

Dr. Daniel Feizenbaum read through the case notes again. A sad story; an academically promising young man, with the promise of possible brilliance. Perhaps, he thought, I should look at some of these role-playing games to give me some common ground for psychotherapy with him. He checked his crowded diary and decided to settle for the liquid cosh instead. At that moment his staff nurse – Scottish, red-headed, very attractive and exotically obsessional – stuck her head round the door of his office after giving the usual reverential knock.

“There’s a Mister Basil something to see you, doctor.” Upon learning that Mister Basil something had an appointment, the doctor imperiously waved an invitation to send him in. The nondescript little man in the shabby Burberry coat shuffled in and sat down. The nurse went hack to preparing depot injections for the patients.

“Mr...? I don’t think I caught your name.” He smiled with the professional unctuousness characteristic of the more liberally inclined psychiatrist.

“Baazerath, actually. Do you mind if I unpolymorph myself?” Feizenbaum casually looked down at the hypos and bottles of major tranquilizers. This was no ordinary fruitcake. When he looked up again, the chair opposite was occupied by a figure some 12 feet tall, with leathery wings, nasty-looking fangs and big talons, gently exuding wisps of smoke and a pungent sulphurous odour. Feizenbaum considered using a hypo on himself at this point.

“Oh, I wouldn’t do that. Long-term use causes brain damage, you know; burns out your mesocortico-limbic circuits. Permanent Feeblemind job. Not recommended.” The devil took a box of cigars from a stout pouch at its belt, lit one with a delicate fiery snort, sat back and inhaled deeply.

“I am not seeing this.”

“Of course you are – don’t be silly. In case you don’t know, I am a Pit Fiend, and I have what at this stage we may call a request to make”. There was a strong undercurrent of threat in the voice. Feizenbaum reached for his desk telephone, but the clawed hand swept it away from him, on to the floor. The claws then unleashed a single horny digit, pointing directly at him.

“I said a request. It will be much better for you if you co-operate.” The devil gazed at the sagging figure opposite, who sat sadly repeating “this is a hallucination” over and over, rocking slightly to and fro. Baazerath took another drag on his Havana and thought for a moment.

“This is a shock for you, I see. Perhaps I can… ah… soften the blow a little; it might make you feel a little less disturbed about things”, the devil said considerately. Feizenbaum broke off mumbling and stared at him. “Perhaps”, the devil continued, “a little epistemology might comfort you.”

“You think I’m a hallucination. Well, that depends on how you look at things. There are, more or less, three ways of understanding what’s going on in the world. The problem with people like you is that you’re one of the first type: people who believe that there is a real world which can be discovered as it really is through science and experiments and all that crap. Technically, this philosophical posture is known as naive realism but in the infernal regions we refer to such people as idiots. You know the sort; computer scientists, physicists, the type you treat for the chronic neuroses which arise from their sordid little emotional repressions. Boring aren’t they?” Feizenbaum nodded mute agreement, but felt mounting disbelief at being lectured on philosophy by a hallucination.

“Sorry, disbelief only works against illusions and I’m not one of them. Now, where was I? Oh yes, the second lot. Well, they’re the florid mutters who believe that material reality is an illusion, true reality is spiritual, the world as Maya and all that nonsense. They’re the fantasists. Of course, you give them the really heavy pharmacological arsenal whereas the idiots only get the minor tranks. Pity, really, because the fantasists are at least more amusing and less dangerous – they weren’t the ones who invented biological and chemical warfare, atomic weapons and all that stuff. On the other hand, at least the idiots don’t force dead flowers and luridly coloured hooks containing the half-wilted writings of émigré Indian gurus on people at airports.” Baazerath looked with mild displeasure at the rapidly diminishing cigar. “The quality’s gone down since they ousted Battista, you know. Ah well, that’s the Prime Material for you.”

“Now”, suddenly leaning forward and with a definite edge to his voice, “things get interesting. The third lot are epistemological interactionists. That’s a hell of a long term – no pun intended there – so we can call these people the wise guys. Some of the wise guys consider there is a real world of sorts, but it’s not directly knowable, and its nature is in some manner influenced by the construction of it made by the human mind. With me so far?” Another mute nod. “So, in some way, major changes in dominant theories of the nature of the world actually alter the world – or reality, if you prefer that dubious term. And they’re right, of course. Which brings me to my request. Norbert Parkinson.”

“Norbert Parkinson?”

“Yes. Strange as it may seem, Norbert Parkinson is a Reality Mutant.”

“What the hell is a Reality Mutant?”

“Droll little joke, doctor, but a trifle redundant to my previous usage. Well, Reality Mutants are people capable of producing major changes in dominant theories of reality and thus affecting it over a period of time. Newton was one – the idiots got him – then Einstein, obviously, and Freud to a lesser extent. Now, after Tom Cruise, there’s young Norbert”.

“Tom Cruise?” A shriek of disbelief.

“Oh, yes indeed. Perhaps you do not realise that for every 100 hours of watching the… ah… entertainment he hosts the viewer permanently loses one IQ point. The cumulative effects of this on consensually perceived reality may be quite impressive eventually. Of course, it’s not his fault directly; perhaps we can refer to that fine fellow as an Indirect Catalysing Reality Mutant.” Feizenbaum was completely slumped in his chair by now, glazed eyes staring vacantly at his desk. The devil continued its remorseless attack.

“But Norbert Parkinson – now he is a major Reality Mutant. In fact, he’s the most powerful Reality Mutant your world will ever know. Norbert has an unparalleled knowledge of role-playing games and he will invent a game so utterly and completely compelling that the nature of reality will shift, because the game structure and the currently perceived structure of reality overlap so insidiously that after a while nobody will be able to tell the difference. Get the picture?”

“I… I think so.” Feizenbaum was still in a state of shock. “But – aren’t you a thing from a game?”

The devil smiled happily. “Yes, that’s what most people think. The process has already begun, but Norbert Parkinson is the only person who can complete it. You must release him. You have 24 hours to consider my request. If, after that time, Norbert Parkinson has not been released, I’m afraid I shall have to put a Wall Of Fire under your chair, and since you’re only a second-level shrink, that’ll be the end of you. Make an appointment for me for the same time tomorrow, will you? I must teleport off now.”

The devil vanished, leaving behind only the smell of fire and brimstone, singe marks on the chair, and the stub of a Havana cigar smouldering in Feizenbaum’s ashtray. The psychiatrist cancelled his appointments for the rest of the day, went home, and consumed a generous quantity of Polish raw spirit.

*****

Continued in Part 2

On the grounds that some of you may end up travelling to the Land Downunder some day, I thought I'd post a bit of a “Survival Guide” to ensure that you understand us Ozzies and enjoy your time here.

***

Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs that plunge deep into the girthing sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still call it the “Great Australian Byght” proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory, but they can’t spell either.

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as either continent, island, or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique in this.

The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are curiously few snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all. But even the spiders won’t go near the sea. Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting down), and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task.

Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the Odd) that are more dangerous. The creature that kills the most people each year is the common Wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and spends its life digging holes in the ground, in which it hides. During the night it comes out to eat worms and grubs.

The wombat kills people in two ways: first, the animal is indestructible. Digging holes in the hard Australian clay builds muscles that outclass Olympic weightlifters. At night, they often wander the roads. Semi-trailers (Road Trains) have hit them at high speed, with all 9 wheels on one side, and this merely makes them very annoyed. They express this by snorting, glaring, and walking away. Alas, to smaller cars, the wombat becomes an asymmetrical launching pad, with results that can be imagined, but not adequately described.

The second way the wombat kills people relates to its burrowing behaviour. If a person happens to put their hand down a Wombat hole, the Wombat will feel the disturbance and think “Ho! My hole is collapsing!” at which it will brace its muscled legs and push up against the roof of its burrow with incredible force, to prevent its collapse. Any unfortunate hand will be crushed, and attempts to withdraw will cause the Wombat to simply bear down harder. The unfortunate will then bleed to death through their crushed hand as the wombat prevents him from seeking assistance. This is considered the third most embarrassing known way to die, and Australians don’t talk about it much.

At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus, estranged relative of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter’s tail, webbed feet, lays eggs, detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel, and has venomous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all ‘typical’ Australian attributes into a single improbable creature.

The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. First, a short history: some time around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and lot of them died. The ones that survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man’s proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in, and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.

Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and stupid people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in Autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons when moving from the top half of the planet to the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot of them died. About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since.

It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they say) – whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.

Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended Holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside your boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned!

There is also the matter of the beaches.

Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock, and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful, and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger, unless they are an American. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string, and mud.

Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the ‘Grass is Greener on the other side of the fence’ syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence! They call the land “Oz”, “Godzone” (a verbal contraction of “God’s Own Country”) and “Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth.” The irritating thing about this is they may be right.

There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though. Do not under any circumstances suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt. Religion and Politics are safe topics of conversation (Australians don’t care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield. The only correct answer to “So, howdya’ like our country, eh?” is “Best {insert your own regional swear word here} country in the world!”

It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will ‘adopt’ you, and on your first night take you to a pub where Australian Beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul-taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes. Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any legal difficulties with “It’s his first time in Australia, so we took him to the pub.”, to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook. Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage, and noting how strong the beer was. Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.

Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary use of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.

Typical Australian sayings:-

• “G’Day!”
• “It’s better than a poke in the eye with a blunt stick.”
• “She’ll be right.”
• “And down from Kosiosco, where the pine clad ridges raise their torn and rugged battlements on high, where the air is clear as crystal, and the white stars fairly blaze at midnight in the cold and frosty sky. And where, around the overflow, the reed beds sweep and sway to the breezes, and the rolling plains are wide, the Man from Snowy River is a household word today, and the stockmen tell the story of his ride.”

Tips to Surviving Australia:-

• Don’t ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever. We mean it!
• The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think It is.
• Always carry a stick.
• Air-conditioning.
• Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained linguist and good in a fistfight.
• Thick socks.
• Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are People nearby.
• If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die!
• Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

See Also: Deserts: How To Die In Them, The Stick: Second Most Useful Thing Ever and Poisonous And Venomous Arachnids, Insects, Animals, Trees, Shrubs, Fish, And Sheep Of Australia, Volumes 1-42”.

***

Originally by Jeremy Lee

His course of action was clear. It was simply a matter of split-second timing: ducking the poisoned arrows, leaping lithely between the rotating knives, dodging under the arching cataract of molten lava, fording the piranha-infested lake, sprinting through the blazing refinery, using guile to sidestep the crazed onslaught of the entire Sioux nation, taking advantage of available cover in the ground-level nuclear test zone, holding his breath for the final dash through the airless vacuum of space, and triumphantly seizing the prize before nonchalantly returning by the same route.

“On the other hand,” thought Indiana Jones, “I could always order my pizza home delivered.”

***

A surge of strange, eerie power thrilled up through Arthur’s arm as he laid hand on the sword’s mighty hilt. The words of Merlin boomed again in his mind: Whoso shall draw the sword from the stone shall be rightful King of all England…

He pulled – and smooth as butter, the sword slid from the deep cleft where enchantment had locked it for so long.

Arthur looked at the gleaming blade with awe. The prophecy was fulfilled at last. He cried aloud: “Kay! Kay! I did it! I’ve drawn Merlin’s sword from the stone! I’m the rightful King of England!”

“Another bloody sexist role-playing game,” muttered his sister Kay (a founding subscriber to Spare Rib). “You might at least have let me have first try – even if Merlin does insist on discriminating against queens.”

***

“I’ve just *wheeze* had an idea,” said Darth Vader in his hoarse whisper (he whished there was some way to get throat pastilles through the awesome helmet). “Rather then *wheeze* sending attack ships to follow those silly people along the trench in the Death Star’s surface, why don’t we *wheeze* move the Star away from them under its own power, and *wheeze* have a go at them with the planet-busting doomsday weapons?”

“No need,” murmured the Grand Moff Tarkin. “As soon as it became evident that the ‘weak spot’ in our defences had been spied out, I took the opportunity of ordering a slight modification to the Death Star’s sewage outlet trench. Observe.”

As the Mellennium Falcon shrieked towards its goal, a terrific barrage of laser fire crackling and exploding on every side despite the lack of sound in the vacuum of space… Han Solo screamed.

“In space, no one can hear you scream,” said Chewbacca reprovingly.

Ahead, blocking the narrow way entirely, was a vast brick wall carrying the airbrushed slogan BYE-BYE, SUCKERS.

With microseconds to go before oblivion, the entire crew shouted: “Luke! Use the Force!”

Dutifully, Luke Skywalker shut his eyes…

***

“On second thoughts,” said Gandalf, “these are matters higher and deeper and darker than Hobbits in their small Shire can know. Perilous though it may be, I must make a trial of it for at least a little time. Frodo, kindly lend me the Ring…”

***

They descended a thousand dank steps below the shuddering sub-cellar of the strange high house whose gambrel roof brooded over the oldest quarter of time-cursed Mordheim. The fitful light of the gibbous moon sent no rays into this fungus-ridden abyss, where blackened and disfigured stonework was tortured into eldritch, cyclopean geometrics, as though wrought by some race of nameless abominations that frothed in primal slime for unhallowed aeons before the birth of mankind.

“These stairs”, whispered Marcus Whately, “are of no human shape.”

“What do you see?” said his companion, holding the lantern high. The crumbled, blasphemous vault was heaped with evilly mouldering tomes, their mere covers a threat to sanity. An unnameable, charnel stench pervaded the nauseous air, seemingly a foul exhalation from some abominable lavatory of the Great Old Ones themselves.

Trembling, Whately stooped to peer at the awful texts. “By the Great Sigmar,” he croaked in a paralysed voice. “Here are copies of the sinister Liber Ivonis, the infamous Cultes des Ghoules of the Comte d’Erlette, von Junzt’s hellish Unaus-Sprechlichen Külten, and the Ludvig Prinn’s remaindered De Vermiis Mysteriis. The forbidden Pnakotic Manuscripts, the unreadable Book of Dzyan… and there, see! Bound in human skin, nothing less than the abhorred Necronomicon of the mad Arab Abdul Alhazred!”

There was a terror-laden pause before the eldritch reply smote upon Whately’s fear-crazed ears – “We’ve got all those: can you see a copy of the Fantasy Grounds’ Users’ Guide?”

***

“That’s not what I meant at all,” thundered the Forum Moderator. “Role-playing games are serious!”

“Oh, are they?” said Oz… his last words.

***

This blog and its predecessor are blatant plagerisations of an article by Dave Langford that appeared in White Dwarf 79, July 1986, and it as been used without even considering asking for permission (but with lots and lots of thanks).

Still confused about role-playing? Having trouble convincing your “serious” friends that you don’t dress up in a frock and wave around a foam-rubber sword? Dulux-Oz (your esteemed and humble Game Master, Ruleset/Extension Author and Tutorial Video Producer) shows how closely role-playing and literature are entwined…

***

My awesome assignment is to say a few words about the joys of role-playing. “Some burks out there,” mentioned our esteemed and not-so-humble Forum Moderator, “think role-playing games are nothing but throwing hordes of complicated dice and sticking four-foot broadswords into innocent bystanders.”

“Aren’t they?” I asked. “Ouch”, I added. “Of course I’ll write about role-playing”, I concluded, laughing heartily at the way his four-foot broadsword wittily pricked me in the jugular.

We’ll pass over the regrettable fact that my most impassioned role-playing efforts are the (not yet perfected) sobriety simulations that I act out when the pubs close. Let’s approach the subject in a roundabout way:

Have you ever joined in audience shouts of “Behind you!” as a pantomime villain twirls his mustache behind the goodie’s maddeningly oblivious back? After reading a comic in which Superman diverts the orbit of the Earth, uproots mountain ranges and burst noisily through the light barrier, only to fall victim to dreaded kryptonite… have you sniffed, “I could do better than that”? Are you irritated when the heroine of a traditional thriller obeys the mysterious unsigned note saying ‘Meet me next to the bottomless well at midnight, don’t tell anyone where you’re going and be sure to tie a 58-pound weight around your neck’?

The essence of role-playing is to scratch this particular itch by entering a ‘narrative’ and doing it your way (of course, the resulting fantasy, though fun, may not prove as artistically plotted as Tolkien’s). Here are some familiar scenarios as they might (and have been) perverted in role-players’ hands. Your Forum Moderator, never responsible for his underlings’ excesses, considers himself especially irresponsible for these.

***

“Hellfire!” erupted Thomas Covenant, his raw, self-inflicted nostrils clenching in white hot, stoical anguish while his gaunt, compulsory visage knotted with fey misery. His lungs were clogged with ruin. A hot, gelid, fulvous tide of self-accusation dinned in his ears: leper outcast unclean… To release the analystic refulgence, the wild magic of the white gold ring he wore, could conceivably shatter the Arch of Time, utterly destroy the Land and put a premature, preterite end to the plot!

Yet what other way was there? The argute notion pierced his mind like a jerid. Only thus could the unambergrised malison of Lord Foul be aneled. Only thus. Hellfire and damnation!

At that point he was struck by a swift, sapid lucubration. “But I don’t believe in the Land,” he shrieked with a sudden caducity, lurching and reeling as though from an overdose of clinquant roborant. “So even if it’s utterly destroyed… what’s the odds? I’m a leper, I can do what I like.”

With an effort, he unclenched his teeth and took the aegis of his cynosure. On his hand, the white gold ring began to flare darkly… “Hang on a moment,” said Lord Foul nervously. “Perhaps we could negotiate on this?

***

“G’rot gazed up lovingly into the whirling, polychromatic eyes of his great bronze dragon. “You can do it, can’t you, Filth?” he said proudly.

“Do what, G’rot?” asked Vanilla suspiciously.

G’rot gulped a flagon of Benden wine before answering. “As we Dragonriders of Pern have discovered, our wonderful dragons are not only telepathic and able to fly instantly between from one place to another, they can also fly between times.”

Flattery… I love it, said Filth smugly.

“Tell me something I don’t know or I’ll scratch your eyes out,” snapped the lovely but peevish Vanilla.

G’rot sighed. “Well, you remember our song The Ballad of Moron, Dragonlady of Pern, in which the lovely but wilful Moron comes to a sticky end thanks to flying too much overtime. My idea’s this: why don’t I and Filth fly back in time to prevent this stupid tragedy by kidnapping Moron just before her last, fatal flight?”

“Take me with you, G’rot, or I’ll kick you right in your underdeveloped masculinity,” retorted lovely but bitchy Vanilla.

“All in good time,” said G’rot. “Ouch!”

“The only problem,” mused lovely but foul-tempered Vanilla, “is that if we do this to her great tragedy plot, Anne McCaffrey is going to be a bit upset…”

***

Fifty plate-armoured men confronted him at the door of the throne room, but Conan struck full upon them with as deafening crash of steel and spurting of blood. Swords leapt and flickered like flame. His blade tore through bodies as it might have torn through a doner kebah, ripping them open from spine to groin to broken breastbone to shattered shin. Then Conan was through, leaping over the steaming welter of blood and entrails that scant moments before has called itself the picked guard of the Supreme Emperor. Only one torn and rent survivor howled like a dying wombat as he clawed at the crimson stump that had been his nose.

Then it was the Emperor’s turn. Cravenly, Ming the Merciless cowered back against his throne as Conan’s blade sang towards him. His foul sorceries and mirror-mazes were of no avail against the avenging Cimmerian!

“Why, why?” the Emperor wailed as the sabre sank to its hilt and far beyond in his vile, overfed belly.

“Dialectical analysis of historical change inevitably predicts the decay of lickspittle capitalist imperialism and its replacement by enlightened socialist collectives,” Conan grunted.

***

Despite the wonderful sunshine and their wonderful victory over the terrible White Witch, Edmund couldn’t help talking about some things he’d learned in Scripture class at his progressive school.

“It’s like this,” he said, thinking hard. “According to the consensus of modern theologians, God never actually shows up in person (except for movies like Dogma), because if you know God exists, then having faith without actual proof wouldn’t be much of a virtue any more. In other words, providential manifestations are actually detrimental to religious faith!”

“It’s very clever of you to remember all that,” said Lucy.

The great, golden Lion gave a worried growl. “I really hadn’t thought of that, child. I’ll have to check with Head Office about current policy…”

And Aslan slunk furtively out of Narnia.

***

Continued in Part 2